Tomorrow

Tomorrow my Mom and I are taking our friend to her doctor's appointment.  She is going to try and pin the doctor down on how much time she has left.  He previously was pretty vague with her.  Her biggest fear seems to be that she will die around Christmas, like her mother did, and ruin the holidays for her family.  

After the doctor's appointment we are taking her to go get her second chemo treatment.  She is on a low dose so that it won't be too hard on her system.  The medicine she was taking before has stopped working so this is basically a final measure to give her a little more time.  

Today I went by and brought her some ginger ale and some pudding.  She was feeling nauseous.  But instead of complaining, she said how lucky she was because some women she knew who had battled breast cancer had to do a lot of chemo and felt so sick all the time.  Her positive attitude is commendable, but it still breaks my heart to see her so frail and ill.  It seems every day I see her she looks worse.  She is just wasting away.   But her spirit is still there, and she wants to live.  I am glad that I can be here for a little while and do a few things for her to show her we love her.       

If I was totally zen, I would say that her struggles have helped me put my "problems" in perspective, but I'm not so sure that is the case right now.  Mostly I'm just sad to be losing our dear friend.  She is like a grandmother to me and we love her so much. 

The Artist

This is a great quote.   Although I wonder if this means I'm not much of an artist anymore, because I opted for a life/family. 

“Artists are some of the most driven courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day to day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, artists face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get ‘real’ jobs, and their own fear that they’ll never work again. Everyday they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipedream. With every passing year, many of them watch as other people their age, achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of the sacrifices. Why? Because artists are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience’s soul. Artists are beings who have tasted life’s nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another’s heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.”
 

— David Ackert

At the risk of whining about first world problems,  it can be tricky to reconcile goals and dreams with reality.  I don't think I ever fully committed to achieving the music career I trained for, and I'm not sure if that was because I didn't really want it at the expense of a life, or I just didn't want to fail, or I wasn't dedicated enough, or all of the above.

It is a fuzzy line to tread now that all of my training and experience is in this field.  The easy answer would be teach piano lessons, and of course I have reasons why I don't want to do that right now.  I need to recommit myself to getting involved in the music scene when I get back in town.  I really miss playing chamber music.

Sucks to your assmar

DH is going to the field next week for a week, so I took the opportunity to redeem some frequent flyer miles and visit family for two weeks.  It is great to see the fam, but this is not a very joyous trip.  

A dear family friend who is basically like my grandmother is terminal with cancer.  I saw her today for the first time since May, and she does not look well.  I can tell she is worse than the last time I was here.  It breaks my heart to see this woman who is so full of life, humor, talent, and everything good be slowly taken from this world by cancer an unstoppable rebel force.  She still does manage to maintain a sense of humor most days, so I guess that's what I should do too.  It's just a very dismal  prognosis, and although I know she is glad I am here, I can't help but feel a bit helpless about the whole situation.  At least I had enough miles between the two of us to come here rather last minute and see her while she is still moving around ok. 

I have been reading The Tao of Fertility.  I alternate between thinking it has some valid advice and slamming the cover closed on my Nook because I can't tolerate the traditional Chinese thinking anymore.  Among the advice that bugs me is not running during menstruation, or really ever.  What irritates me is not just that I think it is bunk, but that I can see the logic behind it so I sort of feel inclined to follow it.  However, I can attest that not running for the last couple weeks has been a total suckfest, and I highly doubt this suckfest is increasing my fertility.   I also usually feel immensely uncomfortable with "affirmations" and frankly, the idea of meditating right now sounds eerily similar to Pandora's Box.

On the flip side, I do resonate with some of the philosophy and I'd really like to try acupuncture - I've had so many friends who say it is so relaxing.  I also know the diet recommendations definitely make me feel better, because I have been strict that way before (no dairy, no alcohol, lots of short grain brown rice).  But getting there is just such a daunting task that I'm not even sure I want to begin.  So I try to think single step, one page at a time, and all that.  Who am I kidding, right now I am not trying to think.  But I know ultimately it is all about balance.

A massage would be nice too....

Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie...

One of my favorite French poems, Il pleure dans mon coeur, was set to music by Debussy.    

In case your high school French teacher didn't make you memorize this poem too, or you weren't required to learn the piano accompaniment in college, here's a brilliant recording of the chanson sung by Dawn Upshaw.  Heck, it's an enjoyable recording even if you did begrudgingly do those things.  Unfortunately the subtitles are in Spanish and the video is just creepy pics of Debussy...but... it's a great song! 

Basically it means (sorry, Verlaine) the sound of the rain soothes the soul.  More specifically to me, it means that when you feel dismal but nothing is truly wrong, the sound of rain soothes your pathetic self-centered case of ennuie. 


Il pleure dans mon coeur   ~ Paul Verlaine  (1844-1896)

Il pleure dans mon coeur
Comme il pleut sur la ville ;
Quelle est cette langueur
Qui pénètre mon coeur ?

Ô bruit doux de la pluie
Par terre et sur les toits !
Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie,
O le chant de la pluie !

Il pleure sans raison
Dans ce coeur qui s'écoeure.
Quoi !  nulle trahison ?...
Ce deuil est sans raison.

C'est bien le pire peine
De ne savoir pourquoi
Sans amour et sans haine
Mon coeur a tant de peine ! 



We have had so much rain the past couple days, it's been amazing.  Probably the most rain I have ever seen here.  Where we live right now, it just doesn't rain all that much.  It's too bad it happened to rain on DH while he was out sleeping in the field, though! 

I love a good thunderstorm, it's cathartic.  Everything feels a bit cleaner and fresher afterwards.  One of my piano teachers said to me once that the sky is never as beautiful and clear as it is after a rain storm.  At least in some parts of the country I have found that to be true.   

I'm starting to feel hopeful and like myself again.  Like a fog is clearing.  Unfortunately it's not doing much to help my use of cheesy metaphors. 

Now I have to go pack, and end this brief foray of regurgitating my French/vocal repertoire studies.  

Lacking zenfulness

So I think the reality of my early loss last month (4 wks 6 days...) is setting in.  Which would be nice because I've been a bit numb the last couple weeks, and I'd like to start getting on with things.  

I read that if women TTC the first cycle after a loss, they delay dealing with their grief by eating Hagen Daz channeling that energy into focusing on getting pregnant that next cycle.  Despite this warning,  I definitely could not resist hoping that the rumors of being "super fertile" after a mc would be true for me.

So I proceeded to do all sorts of somewhat obsessive and irrational TTC things including but not limited to:

• not running for two weeks
• avoiding alcohol completely (which I normally don't do, as I have tried this before with no results) 
• avoided green tea for two weeks too (you know, those possible uterine contractions it causes)
• temped (I don't always temp, it makes me very obsessive and monitoring cm works for me, especially considering how often we have sex)
• not only used opk's, but kept them taped to a sheet with labels and watched the lines fade in (yikes, I had forgotten that)
• have been googling and online in general way too much

yet I am still facing CD1 today or tomorrow (temp drop below CL, spotting, cramps) and I find myself a bit of a wreck.  

It is occurring to me now that even though this loss was so early, it was a big blow.  I really didn't feel all that bad at first.  Don't get me wrong, I was devastated and ugly cried the first day, but tried to keep it together around DH.  I went to all the appointments by myself and just tried to keep chugging.

Now I am realizing this goes a little deeper.  This was something we had been wanting for a year and a half, and something I had been planning for since last March.  We started trying in June of last year, and then had an 8 month deployment break.  Now we are going into month six of trying since DH has come back.  I thought things were finally coming to fruition and now I am really feeling like I need to be doing more with my life, like maybe it is my mentality and lack of positive outlook that is holding us back from getting pregnant. 

The thing is, the cycle we got pregnant was the cycle where I totally didn't think it would happen, and I was just starting to feel a bit more removed from the process.  I was actually starting to feel more Que sera, sera about TTGP minus at least one or two very bleak days involving lots of pinot noir.  But the reality is that this loss has made me feel as anxious all over again as when we were just starting TTC.

Since DH has come back from deployment I haven't been working.  I've looked into a few jobs, and was going to take a couple classes for fun but those fell through due to deadlines that I missed.   I've contemplated starting teaching piano again, working on a YA novel for the amazon competition, making jewelry, and a few other plans but can't get off the ground.  It doesn't help that my bootcamp instructor is out with an injured back, now that routine is out too.  So I am definitely floundering here.

Luckily I'll be going to visit family for a couple weeks, and that will be nice.  It's not for a happy reason as a good family friend is very ill, but it will be great to see my family.  

Then the next week I will be traveling with the hubby to see some of his family that is ill.  

Hopefully when I get back from all these trips I can renew and reformulate my routine and get back in the swing of things.

Yesterday, the one friend in town here who I told about my mc gave me a birthday present.  Among a few other thoughtful things, was a bookmark with this Bible verse: 

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  Isaiah 40:31

and after I read that I totally started bawling.  Glad I didn't open it in front of her!  

Anyways, I think I'll be focusing on this verse for a while, and trying to make some new intentions for my life.  Then maybe everything else will fall into place.  

Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.

The more you want it, the more you don't have it.  The answer is to stop wanting.  

Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.
--Buddha

Taking the advice...

I think another writing outlet would be beneficial.  Or just give me the opportunity to obsess more about TTGP, haha.  These days it seems that everyone and their 13 year old sister has a blog, so I am trying it out.  

I'd still like to get to that novel some day, but for now, this will have to be good enough.