La plage

Our dear friend finally ended her battle with cancer. She passed away on Christmas Day at noon. Her service is tomorrow. I'm grateful she doesn't have to suffer anymore, but it sucks. It's very hard for my Mom especially. I wanted to take a picture of one of her paintings and put it in here but that makes me sad. She loved the beach so I'll put that picture instead.

DH left to visit his family today. It is very cold there. They will do many activities.

We took a nice drive out to the beach yesterday. It was beautiful!

I'm still spotting about every day or so. It's kind of expected now so it isn't bothering me as much...I do wish I knew the cause and hope I'll get some good answers or reassurance at my appointment when we get home.

I've been feeling bleh off and on. Nausea I guess, but it feels more like when I have motion sickness. It is odd. But that is ok! It is worth it!

Also, my boobs are becoming large. Or in my husband's words, "like a pregnant stripper. " lol ;) I love him. He has been so supportive and sweet, bringing me tea and making me smile.

Looking forward to my u/s a week from Tuesday. And 7 weeks as of tomorrow!

6 weeks: Sweet pea!

Things have been good here. Hubby arrived last night and everything is better with him around. We laugh more together, it's great.

Since I started the prometrium a couple days ago, I have been spotting less. Also, I have been feeling a little queasy at times so I'm going to take that as a good sign too!

I managed to rearrange our plane tix, and my in-laws aren't upset. They are excited for our news and have actually said they'd keep quiet until February. I don't believe MIL will, but it's nice of them to say! They have also not swamped me (yet) with phone calls or emails about deformed kittens. PTL.

D is resting comfortably at hospice.

Tomorrow my brother gets here!

A silly alarming thing almost happened: I was messing around on TB trying to load the full site on my iPhone. It wouldn't load and the next thing that popped up was a potential Facebook status that posted my pregnancy ticker! Aargh! Luckily it didn't post, but I have no idea how that happened.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday with their families! <3

Merrrrrrry Christmas!

Travel agent

Things here are ok. I got to see D today, she is not really there anymore. It's been difficult. At least she's getting good care and is relatively comfortable, and her family is in town now.

Still spotting a small amount of brown and/or pink. The good thing is I have found what seems to be a great OBGYN practice back home. They are being so helpful even though I'm not even in town!

The phone nurse spoke to the Dr and ordered me an Rx of prometrium, and they want me to check in with them when I get back. She agreed with the ER nurse: pelvic rest, no more than 30" on my feet, normal activity, nothing strenuous. I have my first appointment with the OB January 8th. They also have doctors and nurses on call throughout the holiday if I have any issues.

Our holiday travel was supposed to include another flight up to see DH's family. I've been on the fence about whether to go. Today DH said to me that he thought it was already decided I wouldn't go. So I guess I'll be rearranging our flights. DH will visit them by himself, then fly back here to help me fly home with our fur baby. :/

I don't know if I'm being overly cautious or not. Part of me thinks I should just suck it up and go. I do know that I'm drained, travel is tiring, these are not short flights, and visiting them is not conducive to rest. If God forbid something did happen, that would be one of the worst possible scenarios.

This is also a tad complicated by our desire to keep the pregnancy quiet to DH's family until after 1st Tri. Now we are probably just going to tell them and hope for the best. I hope we can maintain the boundaries we have been working on...

Also, FIL generously paid for part of our ticket, partially to make up for not visiting us after DH's homecoming.  So I don't know how to handle that and I feel bad. I don't want to disappoint them and I hate owing money. I guess we'll just see what they want to do.

What a mess!  I wanted to be active during this pregnancy, keep running, keep up my schedule. I know spotting can be normal, I'm just trying to follow my gut and the doctors orders. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I hope that after my u/s on the 8th everything checks out. That's not very far off.  I just need to count my blessings and put it in God's hands.  And tomorrow I'll be 6 weeks, and DH will be here!

Water child

Recently I read about a Japanese practice for memorializing miscarried (and aborted) babies. They also have a term for these lost little ones: mizuko. It translates roughly to "water child," which is related to the Japanese view of how we are comprised of elements. The rite of mizuko kuyo is practiced in shrines and gardens where the bereaved make offerings to Jizo, an enlightened being that will protect and encourage their spirits to move on. I guess to some Westerners it can be creepy, or wanky, especially considering our culture hardly acknowledges miscarriage. But I think this Japanese social custom is something uniquely valuable, and it shows that women all over the world feel a link to those first glimmers of life.

This is a very well-written article by an American who was writing a piece on the mizuko kuyo ceremony, and then found herself in need of closure after experiencing a second miscarriage. Even if you haven't had a mc, I think it would be a good read if you are interested in other cultures. It is a little long but again, well done.

http://www.nytimes.com/2002/04/21/magazine/mourning-my-miscarriage.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm

Our friend D is in the hospital now. She really wanted to stay in her home, but at this point she's not really all there to insist on that anymore. I'm so sad about the whole thing.

Just a little more pink and brown spotting this evening.  I know it can be normal, and doesn't automatically signify, but I'm still scared.  At least I went most of the day without anything.  My parents are babying me and making sure I take it easy.  DH will be here Saturday.

-.-

This long post basically says, I went to the ER for spotting and cramps, but am ok.

This morning I woke up around 3 am with lightning crotch. After taking another HPT i felt reassured and went back to bed. But when I got up later, I had more brown spotting. So I googled more personal stories and websites about how this is normal and felt better.

Last night I had called my PCM, and she said she would bring me in for an u/s just to check, but since I was out of town, I should just wait - unless the spotting continued, then I could go to the ER if I wanted. Because of how my insurance works, the ER was my only option to be seen, I could not get a referral to a doctor in town while out of state.

I thought, no, I don't need to go to the ER. This is normal. I'm ok. But I guess it's one thing to read that spotting and cramps are normal, and another thing to experience it yourself.

Then I called the local ER nurse to see what I should do, and she said I should come in to be monitored.

So I think, "Well, I better go" and the next thing I know I'm at the ER, getting an IV and a catheter, and completely unravelling. Luckily my Mom was with me, and I eventually calmed down.

The u/s showed a tiny sac and yolk sac! I measured 5 weeks 4 days. They didn't check my progesterone because they said they don't do that. My HCG was about 14,400, which was great!

They diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to rest. No running, no sex, no picking up heavy stuff, and not to do a bunch of traveling. I'm supposed to follow up w my OB in 3-5 days, but can't do that since I won't be back until after the new year.

Then we went to Chick-Fil-a, and then to visit D. I'm so glad her son is here now, she seems happier.

So after all that, I'm just tired and worn out.

Sorry to whine so much. I partially blame the hormones, watching our friend fade away, and sleep deprivation, but I know I just need to get a grip.

The nurse was really nice and said to be positive. And there is so much to be positive about! I had a little more pink spotting tonight, but nothing red so I just hope everything keeps progressing! Grow little bambino!

Take THAT, HPT!

At 5 weeks 3 days, the omni-present control line is weakening. Muah-haha.

.

Between today's test and the bajillion stories I read about how stabbingly painful cramps in 1st Tri are normal, I feel better this morning.  More balanced?  No.  Less worried?  Yes.  ;)

Bene Gesserit training?

In Frank Herbert's novel Dune, the Bene Gesserits are an order of highly trained super space witches with all sorts of kick-arse telepathic powers (including choosing when they conceive and the sex of the baby). One of their mantras "Fear is the mind-killer," basically means when you're afraid you can't think straight. It comes up often in the book, and I am thinking of it now half-jokingly.

Sci-fi aside, when sleep-deprived, I am more likely to be overly emotional (yes, this worries me as far as babies are concerned). After staying at D's last night and getting up before 5 to help out, I am alternating between mess and zombie.

Therefore, I am not well-equipped to deal with the small amount of spotting I had today. It was so small I should forget about it, but it is unpleasantly familiar, and combined with cramps, bothersome. But I know it's not worth getting worked up over.

I called my Dr, she said if it has stopped then to just take it easy and wait and see. Since I'm out of town, my other option is the ER if it comes back, or if I'd just like to go to be monitored. I don't think it will come to that...

Maybe I can just think about this tomorrow, à la Scarlet. Or ideally not at all, à la...Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates.

Dichotomy

So there's really great things and really awful things going on right now.

The great things are - being home with family, I finally got a bunch of Xmas cards done, my hubby coming soon and also my brother, and it goes without saying: the little bambino!

Bambino is still doing his thing. I feel pretty good, just have some fatigue. I actually got a little tired of HPTs because the last few times it looked relatively the same (I put the photo below, the last test is from Sat 12/15). Also I had to slow down because I only have 2 tests left.

Yesterday my Mom took me shopping for an early Xmas present: maternity clothes! I was kind of shy about it and not quite ready, but she has been so excited and she said there was no way she was going to let someone else shop with me for my first maternity clothes, lol. So we found some cute stuff and I discovered the Velcro bump they have there! It is pretty funny. I am currently wearing my new belly band (partly for bloat and partly FTHOI) and it is awesome! All pants are now stretchy! :)

After we got home from our fun outing we had a call from D, she couldn't breathe. So we told her we'd be right over and for her to call hospice. We got there almost the same time as the nurse. The nurse was very helpful, but it is beyond pitiful. I don't think she has much longer. D's son is supposed to come today so we are waiting for him.

I guess none of this compares to what Newtown is going through. It's one thing to lose an old friend who has lived a long life, another thing entirely to experience the trauma they are going through. Prayers all around.

So kind of a strange time right now! I'm so grateful we have something extra special to be joyful about, our little sunbeam. :)

APPLESEED!

Today I am officially 5 weeks! I am so excited. My mc (unless you want to call it a cp) was at 4 weeks 6 days, so this is a special milestone for me, to be more pregnant than last time. I know things can still go wrong, but today I am happily KU!

This is short and sweet for now because I am having technical difficulties and need a nap!

Another day another double?

I hope so anyway! For once I did not test today. I think it's only the 3rd time I haven't, lol. Hopeless HPTaholic. The thought even faintly crossed my mind that if you pretended to be spotting, you could perhaps get another beta check. I wonder if anyone has ever done that. I probably shouldn't joke about that.

I've been so zonked today. My run this morning was rough and did not give me energy like normal. By 1 pm I was yearning for a nap.

Tonight my Mom is staying with our friend so she doesn't have to be alone. I hope she makes it until her kids come in to town.

In other news, the puppies are being super clingy. I think they know something's up. It's nice! Nothing like a warm Beast Friend to keep you company.

Good news

My results came in! I had to call again, the lab was dragging its feet. Last Wednesday my HCG and progesterone were w/in normal range!  My HCG was 21 and my progesterone was 21.5. Since it was so early i think those numbers are great.  The lines have been getting darker and I haven't had any spotting, so I think everything is on track! My PCM Dr didn't think there was any need for me to do another draw (TBH she didn't recommend the first one either), so guess I have to just sit back and let nature do her thing now. Maybe when I have my first OB appointment they'll check then? I dunno. As soon as my referral goes through I'll get on scheduling an OB. 

 I tested again today and have decided FRER and I can be friends (except I still think wondfos are way better).  I'm thinking maybe I can dial down the worry level now.  If we ever go for #2, I think I might avoid testing before AF.  Curiosity gave the cat an anxiety case and it's just not worth it.    

Today I told another dear friend the good news.  She has been cutting my Mom's hair since forever, and mine too. She was cutting my Mom's hair when she was pregnant with me. She gave me my first haircut and did my hair for my wedding. I showed her a picture of the digi and she said "WE ARE?????!!!!!" She was so excited and started crying. She has already claimed dibs on the baby's first haircut. ;)

Our friend D who is so sick had a MUCH BETTER day today! She started taking some pain medicine, and it is helping. It was such a relief to see her with more energy, and even moving around some! Seriously, what a blessing medicine can be, and hospice.

So after some tasty gumbo for lunch, and a 4 mile run this evening, this has been a truly stellar day with lots of good news.  I am so grateful for it. :)  I am feeling better perspective today.  

More lambas bread

Today I got to tell our dear family friend that I'm KU! She was so happy, and said it was the answer to her prayers, that now she could go. She was really brightened by the news, and although it is rough to see her suffering, I'm so thankful I could be here and share this with her. We love her so much.

My wondfo line is darker today. I am 4 wks 2 days, about 16 DPO? I can see a clear progression with the wondfos but the FRERs have not been my friends. They have gotten slightly darker but not a ton. WTF. As well as I think I know my cycle I could be a day or so off on O day, so who knows. FRER can suck it. I only have one of those left so I think I'll save it till I'm 5 wks. Then it better give me a freaking dark line, haha, or else!

My Mom was so cute today. She said she wanted to buy me my first maternity top or maternity jeans. She keeps saying mushy stuff like what good parents DH and I will be. ;)

I called the Dr to get my b/w results. The office said the results were in, but the Dr hasn't reviewed them and would call me back today. Haha, that didn't happen! Maybe tomorrow. I'm thinking it's a good sign she's making my anxious arse wait. I'm fortunate that people have been so supportive, and it helps to see other KU ladies have similar concerns.

It has been so nice to be home, with family, play with three dogs. I even got to watch a live webcast of DH's field exercise! Tomorrow I'm looking forward to my good old flat running route and some aural junk food. :) Also a piano reunion. And WEDNESDAY: the new Fresh Market opens!!!! Ahhhhh!

The waiting is the best part, said no one ever.

I am posting this from my phone, I hope it works!

Today I told my family and they were very excited! Tomorrow I tell D. If I were to m/c, I have decided we are not telling her because she won't be around long enough to know. She told my Mom she could die in peace if she knew I was pregnant, and I am prepared to fake it a bit if it comes to that (which it won't x 1000).

After hours flying with maybe too much brooding time, I'm not feeling so positive right now. I got serious 2nd thoughts before telling my family again. What if they have to be disappointed all over again, etc. I hope my "feelings" are meaningless? I'm probably just bummin because I miss DH. I hope my negative vibes are powerless. I believe in you, little poppyseed! I am going to test again tomorrow. Hopefully I'll see some darker lines, and my excellent test results will be in!

On the bright side, the trip went smoothly and it's great to see the fam. Feeling more in the Xmas Spirit. And more of the lovely TTGP ladies are KU! This is wonderful wonderful news! :)

I'm leavin, on a jet plane...

Tomorrow begins my season of holiday travel.  Part of me is not ready to leave yet!  DH has to go to the field for more training, so I'm flying home early.  Then in 2 weeks he'll meet me there.   It seemed like a good plan at the time...

Anyways, I think I have figured out how I will tell my folks!  I found this ornament today at Pottery Barn Kids:

It says "BABY" and is dangling from a pretty little red velvet ribbon.  I happened to have some glittery 3-D number stickers that are similar to the letters.  The block has two blank sides, so on the top I put an "8" for August, and on the bottom a "13" for 2013.   I made two: one for my folks and one for D.  I think they are pretty cute!

My plan is to wrap them up and give them as an early Xmas present.  Or say, "I got an ornament for your tree!"  Something like that.  It would be cool if I could tell all three of them at once, I think it would make it more special for D.   I'm not sure how that's going to work...but I'll figure something out.  

Part of me thinks this is all a bit silly, like I should just tell them and be done with it!  But...then the other part of me tells that half to STFU.  ;)

For Xmas DH is getting...

a pee stick!  haha.  

Please bear with me, because I've been up since an unholy hour and may not be communicating too clearly!

Last night was pretty special.  I managed to keep my mouth shut and not act too excited until after dinner and dessert, which was tough because he didn't get home until 7:30!  Then I told DH I had an early Xmas present for him and gave him the special box (right as Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da started playing :).  He was expecting a wallet or something but then opened it and...voila! 

As laid back as he is, he was definitely excited.  He picked up the stick and looked it all over.  Then he got a huge grin on his face and said "So, this is for real, right?  This is official?"  then he started joking...  "I don't have to pee on this too or something, do I?" and while we were hugging, "Yay!  This means you're not getting your period for nine months!"   (ie: more sex for him)  and "Let's go make another!"  LOL.  Then we had a toast with sparkling apple cider.  

He said he had a good feeling about this month.  Maybe that's because I ovulated right around Thanksgiving so he was home a lot for extra humping.  I think he's just very intuitive.  And sweet.  I'm so glad he's back now!  It's going to be hard to leave Sunday, but it's just a couple weeks and it's a good thing I'm going home now.

Our dear family friend is terminal with cancer, and she is hoping to make it through Xmas.  She is like a grandmother to me.  So it will be good to see her and share this news with her!  I'm trying to come up with a cute way to tell her, I'm thinking it might be extra special if I could tell her and my parents all at the same time.  I don't think I want to be flashing around more pee sticks though.  My next idea was a baby picture frame in a box, but she won't be here to fill it.  Any ideas?  A little onesie or something?  Just tell them and stop trying to be cute/creative?

Also, the lines are getting darker!  

  

 



On the left is from CD25, about 10 DPO.  On the right is from today, CD28, about 13 DPO.   I still haven't heard anything form the Dr but it's not yet noon here.  I am feeling reassured right now, but hope I don't have to wait the whole weekend!  

Thank you to everyone for all the positive vibes and good wishes!  It really means a lot.  Now I am going to take a nap I think.  :)

Turn it till it's turned out

Okay, don't judge, here is a selection from my shamelessly obnoxious running mix!  :)

Today I am feeling better and more centered.  Worrying is not going to change anything, so I have decided that I am going to operate from a place of positivity.  (as much as possible anyway! :)  I think it is good that DH has been gone a few days, because it has given me time to get my head on straight and breathe.  I know that I will set the tone for how he thinks of this pregnancy, and I want a happy, grateful, joyous vibe in this house.  He is a very positive, laid-back person anyways, and I'm so excited to share this news with him tonight!

So with that in mind, I went for a run this morning!  It went really well, actually.  These last couple weeks I have been getting back in my groove, and it was satisfying to see that I am getting up the (small) hills now!  I did take it easy and made sure not to get squinty-eyed. 

I took more tests this morning and ... drumroll...

  

Still pregopatamus!!!

The HPT on the bottom is from today, 3 weeks 5 days!

I held a card over the top one, it is even more yellow.  The FRER are still pretty hard to read, but once again the wondfos show their worth.  They are still pretty faint but I think I see a darkening trend!



So what I'm thinking I will do this evening after DH gets home and settled in a bit is tell him I have an early Xmas present for him!  I happened to have this really nice box from a bday present I got this year.  So...  I think I'll put the digi from this morning in the box and watch him open it!  I think he'll be surprised. 

Speaking of news, he just texted me and has found out he is selected for Major!  Hooray!  This is a big deal too.  So we will have lots to celebrate tonight!  Good thing I got a bottle of sparkling cider!  I'll let you know how it goes.  :)

Thank you again for all your good vibes, sticky thoughts, and prayers.  I truly feel blessed to know such awesome ladies and you guys always put a smile on my face! 

When the cat's away...

...the mice will buy extraneous amounts of HPT's and nail polish!   But I had coupons for both and everything was on sale so it's ok, right?   ha ha ha

My brain is on overdrive.  I actually practiced today, and that helped.  I'm thinking maybe I will set some goals to commit to learning some pieces I've mostly only been working on intermittently.  I think it would help keep my mind calm.  This is one of the pieces I've been working on, but it will never sound like this:     

 
It just occurred to me today that there is no time like the present to learn this music.  If you listen to it, my favorite moment occurs a little after 18."  

Since my brain has been on overdrive (hello novella post, sorry this is so long), I went to see Breaking Dawn.  What better way to quiet the mind than with vampire melodrama?  There is No better way.  So I made a giant container of popcorn (because I am cool like that) and stuffed my movie/traveling purse full of goodies and went to watch Edward and Bella fly around and stuff.  It was fun.   

Observe nail polish coupon ... really I SAVED $ by not buying the nail polish at Target.

So I went to two doctors today: I saw the eye doctor for a 6 month lasik f/u (my eyes are perfect now, sweet), and then my PCM.  At the eye doctor I felt like a big dork asking him if the anesthetic drops he was about to put in my eyes were safe for KU folk.  This is how I ended up telling my optometrist I am KU before my hubby.  Haha. 

On to the next appointment.  I'm so glad they could see me so soon!  I saved my pee for almost 5 hours, thinking my PCM would have me do a urine test like last time.  Nope!  Just as well, it probably wouldn't have shown up anyways.    

My PCM is really sweet, and she is actually KU herself.  She is due in January but looks to me like she is due any day.  I told her I was concerned about my HCG and progesterone levels, and would like to get a quantitative blood test.  She said in her sweet, laid back/calming way, that it wasn't really necessary, that technically they don't test until after your 3rd loss (hope that day never comes!) and also that if I did need progesterone, she can't Rx it since she's not an OB.  But she was totally fine with me getting the tests anyway.  So that's what I did.  I don't know if it was a different process than just getting HCG tested like I've done before, but the lab lady took at least like 87 4 vials of blood.  :/  Hopefully everything is on track.  I should get results maybe Friday?

PCM doc said it was a good sign that I was able to get pregnant again relatively quickly.
When I came home I could see the line on the FRER from this morning better, so that was encouraging somehow.   Tomorrow morning I'm busting out a digi.  I'm actually looking forward to getting up tomorrow.  :)  

It's been strange with DH not here.  I haven't talked to my Mom (we talk a lot) or anyone, at least not about this.  I'm so glad that I told the fab TTGP ladies.  Part of me didn't want to say anything because if I do have another loss it will just be sadness.  But it has been so wonderful to read everyone's kind supportive words and have some laughs too.  So thank you guys so much.  I PPH you to maximum levels.  

   

Keep Calm and Keep Calm

I am inventing a couple new acronyms.  SPP stands for:  Sweet Petite Positive!  I had the faintest line yesterday and it is slightly darker today. 


Any good vibes/thoughts/prayers you might send this was would be happily absorbed and appreciated.  :)    Hopefully my SPP sticks and turns into a BFP!

Bread Winner

I didn't want to have two posts in a row with the word "winner" in them, but I don't think it can be helped.  
 
I did my first craft fair this weekend!  It was really fun and a neat atmosphere.  I didn't make a ton of money, but I'm pretty proud of what I accomplished.  I sold handmade cards and other paper goods, as well as the best seller by far: spiked cranberry sauce.  I canned a huge batch of it and lured people in with delicious samples.  I learned quite a bit and have a few ideas for things I'd like to try next time, so I'll probably do something like this again.  Now I just need to clean up the guest/craft room...  :)