I read that if women TTC the first cycle after a loss, they delay dealing with their grief by
So I proceeded to do all sorts of somewhat obsessive and irrational TTC things including but not limited to:
- not running for two weeks
- avoiding alcohol completely (which I normally don't do, as I have tried this before with no results)
- avoided green tea for two weeks too (you know, those possible uterine contractions it causes)
- temped (I don't always temp, it makes me very obsessive and monitoring cm works for me, especially considering how often we have sex)
- not only used opk's, but kept them taped to a sheet with labels and watched the lines fade in (yikes, I had forgotten that)
- have been googling and online in general way too much
yet I am still facing CD1 today or tomorrow (temp drop below CL, spotting, cramps) and I find myself a bit of a wreck.
It is occurring to me now that even though this loss was so early, it was a big blow. I really didn't feel all that bad at first. Don't get me wrong, I was devastated and ugly cried the first day, but tried to keep it together around DH. I went to all the appointments by myself and just tried to keep chugging.
Now I am realizing this goes a little deeper. This was something we had been wanting for a year and a half, and something I had been planning for since last March. We started trying in June of last year, and then had an 8 month deployment break. Now we are going into month six of trying since DH has come back. I thought things were finally coming to fruition and now I am really feeling like I need to be doing more with my life, like maybe it is my mentality and lack of positive outlook that is holding us back from getting pregnant.
The thing is, the cycle we got pregnant was the cycle where I totally didn't think it would happen, and I was just starting to feel a bit more removed from the process. I was actually starting to feel more Que sera, sera about TTGP
Since DH has come back from deployment I haven't been working. I've looked into a few jobs, and was going to take a couple classes for fun but those fell through due to deadlines that I missed. I've contemplated starting teaching piano again, working on a YA novel for the amazon competition, making jewelry, and a few other plans but can't get off the ground. It doesn't help that my bootcamp instructor is out with an injured back, now that routine is out too. So I am definitely floundering here.
Luckily I'll be going to visit family for a couple weeks, and that will be nice. It's not for a happy reason as a good family friend is very ill, but it will be great to see my family.
Then the next week I will be traveling with the hubby to see some of his family that is ill.
Hopefully when I get back from all these trips I can renew and reformulate my routine and get back in the swing of things.
Yesterday, the one friend in town here who I told about my mc gave me a birthday present. Among a few other thoughtful things, was a bookmark with this Bible verse:
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles. Isaiah 40:31
and after I read that I totally started bawling. Glad I didn't open it in front of her!
Anyways, I think I'll be focusing on this verse for a while, and trying to make some new intentions for my life. Then maybe everything else will fall into place.
Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
The more you want it, the more you don't have it. The answer is to stop wanting.
Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.
--Buddha
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