La plage

Our dear friend finally ended her battle with cancer. She passed away on Christmas Day at noon. Her service is tomorrow. I'm grateful she doesn't have to suffer anymore, but it sucks. It's very hard for my Mom especially. I wanted to take a picture of one of her paintings and put it in here but that makes me sad. She loved the beach so I'll put that picture instead.

DH left to visit his family today. It is very cold there. They will do many activities.

We took a nice drive out to the beach yesterday. It was beautiful!

I'm still spotting about every day or so. It's kind of expected now so it isn't bothering me as much...I do wish I knew the cause and hope I'll get some good answers or reassurance at my appointment when we get home.

I've been feeling bleh off and on. Nausea I guess, but it feels more like when I have motion sickness. It is odd. But that is ok! It is worth it!

Also, my boobs are becoming large. Or in my husband's words, "like a pregnant stripper. " lol ;) I love him. He has been so supportive and sweet, bringing me tea and making me smile.

Looking forward to my u/s a week from Tuesday. And 7 weeks as of tomorrow!

6 weeks: Sweet pea!

Things have been good here. Hubby arrived last night and everything is better with him around. We laugh more together, it's great.

Since I started the prometrium a couple days ago, I have been spotting less. Also, I have been feeling a little queasy at times so I'm going to take that as a good sign too!

I managed to rearrange our plane tix, and my in-laws aren't upset. They are excited for our news and have actually said they'd keep quiet until February. I don't believe MIL will, but it's nice of them to say! They have also not swamped me (yet) with phone calls or emails about deformed kittens. PTL.

D is resting comfortably at hospice.

Tomorrow my brother gets here!

A silly alarming thing almost happened: I was messing around on TB trying to load the full site on my iPhone. It wouldn't load and the next thing that popped up was a potential Facebook status that posted my pregnancy ticker! Aargh! Luckily it didn't post, but I have no idea how that happened.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday with their families! <3

Merrrrrrry Christmas!

Travel agent

Things here are ok. I got to see D today, she is not really there anymore. It's been difficult. At least she's getting good care and is relatively comfortable, and her family is in town now.

Still spotting a small amount of brown and/or pink. The good thing is I have found what seems to be a great OBGYN practice back home. They are being so helpful even though I'm not even in town!

The phone nurse spoke to the Dr and ordered me an Rx of prometrium, and they want me to check in with them when I get back. She agreed with the ER nurse: pelvic rest, no more than 30" on my feet, normal activity, nothing strenuous. I have my first appointment with the OB January 8th. They also have doctors and nurses on call throughout the holiday if I have any issues.

Our holiday travel was supposed to include another flight up to see DH's family. I've been on the fence about whether to go. Today DH said to me that he thought it was already decided I wouldn't go. So I guess I'll be rearranging our flights. DH will visit them by himself, then fly back here to help me fly home with our fur baby. :/

I don't know if I'm being overly cautious or not. Part of me thinks I should just suck it up and go. I do know that I'm drained, travel is tiring, these are not short flights, and visiting them is not conducive to rest. If God forbid something did happen, that would be one of the worst possible scenarios.

This is also a tad complicated by our desire to keep the pregnancy quiet to DH's family until after 1st Tri. Now we are probably just going to tell them and hope for the best. I hope we can maintain the boundaries we have been working on...

Also, FIL generously paid for part of our ticket, partially to make up for not visiting us after DH's homecoming.  So I don't know how to handle that and I feel bad. I don't want to disappoint them and I hate owing money. I guess we'll just see what they want to do.

What a mess!  I wanted to be active during this pregnancy, keep running, keep up my schedule. I know spotting can be normal, I'm just trying to follow my gut and the doctors orders. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I hope that after my u/s on the 8th everything checks out. That's not very far off.  I just need to count my blessings and put it in God's hands.  And tomorrow I'll be 6 weeks, and DH will be here!

Water child

Recently I read about a Japanese practice for memorializing miscarried (and aborted) babies. They also have a term for these lost little ones: mizuko. It translates roughly to "water child," which is related to the Japanese view of how we are comprised of elements. The rite of mizuko kuyo is practiced in shrines and gardens where the bereaved make offerings to Jizo, an enlightened being that will protect and encourage their spirits to move on. I guess to some Westerners it can be creepy, or wanky, especially considering our culture hardly acknowledges miscarriage. But I think this Japanese social custom is something uniquely valuable, and it shows that women all over the world feel a link to those first glimmers of life.

This is a very well-written article by an American who was writing a piece on the mizuko kuyo ceremony, and then found herself in need of closure after experiencing a second miscarriage. Even if you haven't had a mc, I think it would be a good read if you are interested in other cultures. It is a little long but again, well done.

http://www.nytimes.com/2002/04/21/magazine/mourning-my-miscarriage.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm

Our friend D is in the hospital now. She really wanted to stay in her home, but at this point she's not really all there to insist on that anymore. I'm so sad about the whole thing.

Just a little more pink and brown spotting this evening.  I know it can be normal, and doesn't automatically signify, but I'm still scared.  At least I went most of the day without anything.  My parents are babying me and making sure I take it easy.  DH will be here Saturday.

-.-

This long post basically says, I went to the ER for spotting and cramps, but am ok.

This morning I woke up around 3 am with lightning crotch. After taking another HPT i felt reassured and went back to bed. But when I got up later, I had more brown spotting. So I googled more personal stories and websites about how this is normal and felt better.

Last night I had called my PCM, and she said she would bring me in for an u/s just to check, but since I was out of town, I should just wait - unless the spotting continued, then I could go to the ER if I wanted. Because of how my insurance works, the ER was my only option to be seen, I could not get a referral to a doctor in town while out of state.

I thought, no, I don't need to go to the ER. This is normal. I'm ok. But I guess it's one thing to read that spotting and cramps are normal, and another thing to experience it yourself.

Then I called the local ER nurse to see what I should do, and she said I should come in to be monitored.

So I think, "Well, I better go" and the next thing I know I'm at the ER, getting an IV and a catheter, and completely unravelling. Luckily my Mom was with me, and I eventually calmed down.

The u/s showed a tiny sac and yolk sac! I measured 5 weeks 4 days. They didn't check my progesterone because they said they don't do that. My HCG was about 14,400, which was great!

They diagnosed me with a threatened miscarriage and sent me home to rest. No running, no sex, no picking up heavy stuff, and not to do a bunch of traveling. I'm supposed to follow up w my OB in 3-5 days, but can't do that since I won't be back until after the new year.

Then we went to Chick-Fil-a, and then to visit D. I'm so glad her son is here now, she seems happier.

So after all that, I'm just tired and worn out.

Sorry to whine so much. I partially blame the hormones, watching our friend fade away, and sleep deprivation, but I know I just need to get a grip.

The nurse was really nice and said to be positive. And there is so much to be positive about! I had a little more pink spotting tonight, but nothing red so I just hope everything keeps progressing! Grow little bambino!

Take THAT, HPT!

At 5 weeks 3 days, the omni-present control line is weakening. Muah-haha.

.

Between today's test and the bajillion stories I read about how stabbingly painful cramps in 1st Tri are normal, I feel better this morning.  More balanced?  No.  Less worried?  Yes.  ;)

Bene Gesserit training?

In Frank Herbert's novel Dune, the Bene Gesserits are an order of highly trained super space witches with all sorts of kick-arse telepathic powers (including choosing when they conceive and the sex of the baby). One of their mantras "Fear is the mind-killer," basically means when you're afraid you can't think straight. It comes up often in the book, and I am thinking of it now half-jokingly.

Sci-fi aside, when sleep-deprived, I am more likely to be overly emotional (yes, this worries me as far as babies are concerned). After staying at D's last night and getting up before 5 to help out, I am alternating between mess and zombie.

Therefore, I am not well-equipped to deal with the small amount of spotting I had today. It was so small I should forget about it, but it is unpleasantly familiar, and combined with cramps, bothersome. But I know it's not worth getting worked up over.

I called my Dr, she said if it has stopped then to just take it easy and wait and see. Since I'm out of town, my other option is the ER if it comes back, or if I'd just like to go to be monitored. I don't think it will come to that...

Maybe I can just think about this tomorrow, à la Scarlet. Or ideally not at all, à la...Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates.

Dichotomy

So there's really great things and really awful things going on right now.

The great things are - being home with family, I finally got a bunch of Xmas cards done, my hubby coming soon and also my brother, and it goes without saying: the little bambino!

Bambino is still doing his thing. I feel pretty good, just have some fatigue. I actually got a little tired of HPTs because the last few times it looked relatively the same (I put the photo below, the last test is from Sat 12/15). Also I had to slow down because I only have 2 tests left.

Yesterday my Mom took me shopping for an early Xmas present: maternity clothes! I was kind of shy about it and not quite ready, but she has been so excited and she said there was no way she was going to let someone else shop with me for my first maternity clothes, lol. So we found some cute stuff and I discovered the Velcro bump they have there! It is pretty funny. I am currently wearing my new belly band (partly for bloat and partly FTHOI) and it is awesome! All pants are now stretchy! :)

After we got home from our fun outing we had a call from D, she couldn't breathe. So we told her we'd be right over and for her to call hospice. We got there almost the same time as the nurse. The nurse was very helpful, but it is beyond pitiful. I don't think she has much longer. D's son is supposed to come today so we are waiting for him.

I guess none of this compares to what Newtown is going through. It's one thing to lose an old friend who has lived a long life, another thing entirely to experience the trauma they are going through. Prayers all around.

So kind of a strange time right now! I'm so grateful we have something extra special to be joyful about, our little sunbeam. :)

APPLESEED!

Today I am officially 5 weeks! I am so excited. My mc (unless you want to call it a cp) was at 4 weeks 6 days, so this is a special milestone for me, to be more pregnant than last time. I know things can still go wrong, but today I am happily KU!

This is short and sweet for now because I am having technical difficulties and need a nap!

Another day another double?

I hope so anyway! For once I did not test today. I think it's only the 3rd time I haven't, lol. Hopeless HPTaholic. The thought even faintly crossed my mind that if you pretended to be spotting, you could perhaps get another beta check. I wonder if anyone has ever done that. I probably shouldn't joke about that.

I've been so zonked today. My run this morning was rough and did not give me energy like normal. By 1 pm I was yearning for a nap.

Tonight my Mom is staying with our friend so she doesn't have to be alone. I hope she makes it until her kids come in to town.

In other news, the puppies are being super clingy. I think they know something's up. It's nice! Nothing like a warm Beast Friend to keep you company.

Good news

My results came in! I had to call again, the lab was dragging its feet. Last Wednesday my HCG and progesterone were w/in normal range!  My HCG was 21 and my progesterone was 21.5. Since it was so early i think those numbers are great.  The lines have been getting darker and I haven't had any spotting, so I think everything is on track! My PCM Dr didn't think there was any need for me to do another draw (TBH she didn't recommend the first one either), so guess I have to just sit back and let nature do her thing now. Maybe when I have my first OB appointment they'll check then? I dunno. As soon as my referral goes through I'll get on scheduling an OB. 

 I tested again today and have decided FRER and I can be friends (except I still think wondfos are way better).  I'm thinking maybe I can dial down the worry level now.  If we ever go for #2, I think I might avoid testing before AF.  Curiosity gave the cat an anxiety case and it's just not worth it.    

Today I told another dear friend the good news.  She has been cutting my Mom's hair since forever, and mine too. She was cutting my Mom's hair when she was pregnant with me. She gave me my first haircut and did my hair for my wedding. I showed her a picture of the digi and she said "WE ARE?????!!!!!" She was so excited and started crying. She has already claimed dibs on the baby's first haircut. ;)

Our friend D who is so sick had a MUCH BETTER day today! She started taking some pain medicine, and it is helping. It was such a relief to see her with more energy, and even moving around some! Seriously, what a blessing medicine can be, and hospice.

So after some tasty gumbo for lunch, and a 4 mile run this evening, this has been a truly stellar day with lots of good news.  I am so grateful for it. :)  I am feeling better perspective today.  

More lambas bread

Today I got to tell our dear family friend that I'm KU! She was so happy, and said it was the answer to her prayers, that now she could go. She was really brightened by the news, and although it is rough to see her suffering, I'm so thankful I could be here and share this with her. We love her so much.

My wondfo line is darker today. I am 4 wks 2 days, about 16 DPO? I can see a clear progression with the wondfos but the FRERs have not been my friends. They have gotten slightly darker but not a ton. WTF. As well as I think I know my cycle I could be a day or so off on O day, so who knows. FRER can suck it. I only have one of those left so I think I'll save it till I'm 5 wks. Then it better give me a freaking dark line, haha, or else!

My Mom was so cute today. She said she wanted to buy me my first maternity top or maternity jeans. She keeps saying mushy stuff like what good parents DH and I will be. ;)

I called the Dr to get my b/w results. The office said the results were in, but the Dr hasn't reviewed them and would call me back today. Haha, that didn't happen! Maybe tomorrow. I'm thinking it's a good sign she's making my anxious arse wait. I'm fortunate that people have been so supportive, and it helps to see other KU ladies have similar concerns.

It has been so nice to be home, with family, play with three dogs. I even got to watch a live webcast of DH's field exercise! Tomorrow I'm looking forward to my good old flat running route and some aural junk food. :) Also a piano reunion. And WEDNESDAY: the new Fresh Market opens!!!! Ahhhhh!

The waiting is the best part, said no one ever.

I am posting this from my phone, I hope it works!

Today I told my family and they were very excited! Tomorrow I tell D. If I were to m/c, I have decided we are not telling her because she won't be around long enough to know. She told my Mom she could die in peace if she knew I was pregnant, and I am prepared to fake it a bit if it comes to that (which it won't x 1000).

After hours flying with maybe too much brooding time, I'm not feeling so positive right now. I got serious 2nd thoughts before telling my family again. What if they have to be disappointed all over again, etc. I hope my "feelings" are meaningless? I'm probably just bummin because I miss DH. I hope my negative vibes are powerless. I believe in you, little poppyseed! I am going to test again tomorrow. Hopefully I'll see some darker lines, and my excellent test results will be in!

On the bright side, the trip went smoothly and it's great to see the fam. Feeling more in the Xmas Spirit. And more of the lovely TTGP ladies are KU! This is wonderful wonderful news! :)

I'm leavin, on a jet plane...

Tomorrow begins my season of holiday travel.  Part of me is not ready to leave yet!  DH has to go to the field for more training, so I'm flying home early.  Then in 2 weeks he'll meet me there.   It seemed like a good plan at the time...

Anyways, I think I have figured out how I will tell my folks!  I found this ornament today at Pottery Barn Kids:

It says "BABY" and is dangling from a pretty little red velvet ribbon.  I happened to have some glittery 3-D number stickers that are similar to the letters.  The block has two blank sides, so on the top I put an "8" for August, and on the bottom a "13" for 2013.   I made two: one for my folks and one for D.  I think they are pretty cute!

My plan is to wrap them up and give them as an early Xmas present.  Or say, "I got an ornament for your tree!"  Something like that.  It would be cool if I could tell all three of them at once, I think it would make it more special for D.   I'm not sure how that's going to work...but I'll figure something out.  

Part of me thinks this is all a bit silly, like I should just tell them and be done with it!  But...then the other part of me tells that half to STFU.  ;)

For Xmas DH is getting...

a pee stick!  haha.  

Please bear with me, because I've been up since an unholy hour and may not be communicating too clearly!

Last night was pretty special.  I managed to keep my mouth shut and not act too excited until after dinner and dessert, which was tough because he didn't get home until 7:30!  Then I told DH I had an early Xmas present for him and gave him the special box (right as Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da started playing :).  He was expecting a wallet or something but then opened it and...voila! 

As laid back as he is, he was definitely excited.  He picked up the stick and looked it all over.  Then he got a huge grin on his face and said "So, this is for real, right?  This is official?"  then he started joking...  "I don't have to pee on this too or something, do I?" and while we were hugging, "Yay!  This means you're not getting your period for nine months!"   (ie: more sex for him)  and "Let's go make another!"  LOL.  Then we had a toast with sparkling apple cider.  

He said he had a good feeling about this month.  Maybe that's because I ovulated right around Thanksgiving so he was home a lot for extra humping.  I think he's just very intuitive.  And sweet.  I'm so glad he's back now!  It's going to be hard to leave Sunday, but it's just a couple weeks and it's a good thing I'm going home now.

Our dear family friend is terminal with cancer, and she is hoping to make it through Xmas.  She is like a grandmother to me.  So it will be good to see her and share this news with her!  I'm trying to come up with a cute way to tell her, I'm thinking it might be extra special if I could tell her and my parents all at the same time.  I don't think I want to be flashing around more pee sticks though.  My next idea was a baby picture frame in a box, but she won't be here to fill it.  Any ideas?  A little onesie or something?  Just tell them and stop trying to be cute/creative?

Also, the lines are getting darker!  

  

 



On the left is from CD25, about 10 DPO.  On the right is from today, CD28, about 13 DPO.   I still haven't heard anything form the Dr but it's not yet noon here.  I am feeling reassured right now, but hope I don't have to wait the whole weekend!  

Thank you to everyone for all the positive vibes and good wishes!  It really means a lot.  Now I am going to take a nap I think.  :)

Turn it till it's turned out

Okay, don't judge, here is a selection from my shamelessly obnoxious running mix!  :)

Today I am feeling better and more centered.  Worrying is not going to change anything, so I have decided that I am going to operate from a place of positivity.  (as much as possible anyway! :)  I think it is good that DH has been gone a few days, because it has given me time to get my head on straight and breathe.  I know that I will set the tone for how he thinks of this pregnancy, and I want a happy, grateful, joyous vibe in this house.  He is a very positive, laid-back person anyways, and I'm so excited to share this news with him tonight!

So with that in mind, I went for a run this morning!  It went really well, actually.  These last couple weeks I have been getting back in my groove, and it was satisfying to see that I am getting up the (small) hills now!  I did take it easy and made sure not to get squinty-eyed. 

I took more tests this morning and ... drumroll...

  

Still pregopatamus!!!

The HPT on the bottom is from today, 3 weeks 5 days!

I held a card over the top one, it is even more yellow.  The FRER are still pretty hard to read, but once again the wondfos show their worth.  They are still pretty faint but I think I see a darkening trend!



So what I'm thinking I will do this evening after DH gets home and settled in a bit is tell him I have an early Xmas present for him!  I happened to have this really nice box from a bday present I got this year.  So...  I think I'll put the digi from this morning in the box and watch him open it!  I think he'll be surprised. 

Speaking of news, he just texted me and has found out he is selected for Major!  Hooray!  This is a big deal too.  So we will have lots to celebrate tonight!  Good thing I got a bottle of sparkling cider!  I'll let you know how it goes.  :)

Thank you again for all your good vibes, sticky thoughts, and prayers.  I truly feel blessed to know such awesome ladies and you guys always put a smile on my face! 

When the cat's away...

...the mice will buy extraneous amounts of HPT's and nail polish!   But I had coupons for both and everything was on sale so it's ok, right?   ha ha ha

My brain is on overdrive.  I actually practiced today, and that helped.  I'm thinking maybe I will set some goals to commit to learning some pieces I've mostly only been working on intermittently.  I think it would help keep my mind calm.  This is one of the pieces I've been working on, but it will never sound like this:     

 
It just occurred to me today that there is no time like the present to learn this music.  If you listen to it, my favorite moment occurs a little after 18."  

Since my brain has been on overdrive (hello novella post, sorry this is so long), I went to see Breaking Dawn.  What better way to quiet the mind than with vampire melodrama?  There is No better way.  So I made a giant container of popcorn (because I am cool like that) and stuffed my movie/traveling purse full of goodies and went to watch Edward and Bella fly around and stuff.  It was fun.   

Observe nail polish coupon ... really I SAVED $ by not buying the nail polish at Target.

So I went to two doctors today: I saw the eye doctor for a 6 month lasik f/u (my eyes are perfect now, sweet), and then my PCM.  At the eye doctor I felt like a big dork asking him if the anesthetic drops he was about to put in my eyes were safe for KU folk.  This is how I ended up telling my optometrist I am KU before my hubby.  Haha. 

On to the next appointment.  I'm so glad they could see me so soon!  I saved my pee for almost 5 hours, thinking my PCM would have me do a urine test like last time.  Nope!  Just as well, it probably wouldn't have shown up anyways.    

My PCM is really sweet, and she is actually KU herself.  She is due in January but looks to me like she is due any day.  I told her I was concerned about my HCG and progesterone levels, and would like to get a quantitative blood test.  She said in her sweet, laid back/calming way, that it wasn't really necessary, that technically they don't test until after your 3rd loss (hope that day never comes!) and also that if I did need progesterone, she can't Rx it since she's not an OB.  But she was totally fine with me getting the tests anyway.  So that's what I did.  I don't know if it was a different process than just getting HCG tested like I've done before, but the lab lady took at least like 87 4 vials of blood.  :/  Hopefully everything is on track.  I should get results maybe Friday?

PCM doc said it was a good sign that I was able to get pregnant again relatively quickly.
When I came home I could see the line on the FRER from this morning better, so that was encouraging somehow.   Tomorrow morning I'm busting out a digi.  I'm actually looking forward to getting up tomorrow.  :)  

It's been strange with DH not here.  I haven't talked to my Mom (we talk a lot) or anyone, at least not about this.  I'm so glad that I told the fab TTGP ladies.  Part of me didn't want to say anything because if I do have another loss it will just be sadness.  But it has been so wonderful to read everyone's kind supportive words and have some laughs too.  So thank you guys so much.  I PPH you to maximum levels.  

   

Keep Calm and Keep Calm

I am inventing a couple new acronyms.  SPP stands for:  Sweet Petite Positive!  I had the faintest line yesterday and it is slightly darker today. 


Any good vibes/thoughts/prayers you might send this was would be happily absorbed and appreciated.  :)    Hopefully my SPP sticks and turns into a BFP!

Bread Winner

I didn't want to have two posts in a row with the word "winner" in them, but I don't think it can be helped.  
 
I did my first craft fair this weekend!  It was really fun and a neat atmosphere.  I didn't make a ton of money, but I'm pretty proud of what I accomplished.  I sold handmade cards and other paper goods, as well as the best seller by far: spiked cranberry sauce.  I canned a huge batch of it and lured people in with delicious samples.  I learned quite a bit and have a few ideas for things I'd like to try next time, so I'll probably do something like this again.  Now I just need to clean up the guest/craft room...  :) 

I'm a winner!

So, today I am an Ebay ninja!

 

With a last minute sneak attack bid, I just won a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor, along with 5 test sticks, for $48.50!  Throw in $10.40 for shipping and I think I did pretty well!   It's not new (that's a little weird?), but supposedly it is "barely used" and the seller has perfect feedback.  Woo hoo!  Plus, if buying pregnancy tests mean you're going to get KU and not need them, this almost certainly assures that I'll be getting a BFP next month and thus never use this thing.  Yes?

Here's a funny blog entry about ebay:  Raspy Wit: Why I'm Banned from eBay

     
Oh, btw.  While on ebay.  I saw this:
 Weird expensive fertility monitor I've never heard of before

and it comes with a vaginal wand.  

old habits die hard

So after writing about how I was perfectly fine not charting in any way this month, like a gluten-free wannabe in a bakery, I had a little Fertility Friend binge fest this afternoon.  As I was driving to Trader Joe's, somewhere between wondering if they have banana peppers and if I have time to pass one more car before my turn off, it occurred to me: all that info I have been entering (since May 2011) to help FF predict my cycle needs to be fed, like a little houseplant.  In all honesty, I doubt it would matter much if one cycle had no data, but I just.couldn't.risk it.  So when I got to the parking lot I opened up my trusty app and entered in ~5 days of CM and sex data (including one double whammy day, woohoo).  I felt a little wellspring of happiness to see the predicted O date match up with what I was thinking.  

• half of me:  SEE!  IT'S NOT ALL FOR NOTHING.  FF predicted my O date to exactly when I am pretty sure I O'd.  If I didn't enter this info in WHO KNOWS what it might predict next month?!    
• other half:  You are sick.  This is a sickness.  You didn't even temp, this is not important.  AND, you parked in a 30 minute spot.  You're wasting valuable shopping time.   
  
• 1st half:  STFU.  I have data to enter.   THIS IS SCIENCE!!!

Now I am dying to half pondering entering in a fake OPK so I can look at CH's, and those very meaningful little scores FF gives you for your timing.  But since I know it's meaningless, I won't go that far.  Maybe.  Next thing you know I'll be back to cataloging all my phantom symptoms and making up new categories.  

Also, I may or may not have picked up a whole pineapple while I was at Trader Joe's.  And I will probably continue to put the core at the bottom of the bowl so DH doesn't eat it all before me.   It's okay though, because my neurosis is not getting in the way of every day life.  Yet.       

balance

Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!   The holiday that is basically centered around lack of balance, ah...

Today in the aftermath, I went for a run for the first time in about 2 months and it was great! I went with the hubby, and always push myself more when I'm with him.  He is so kind to slow down for me.  It was definitely more of a jog than a run, and there was definitely still some walking involved.  The "easy hill" was not so easy today! 

However, as they say, we lapped everyone on the couch.  ;)

TTC wise, I have taken a huge step back, so if I don't write about it as much, that is why.  Right after our loss I went a little even more nutso trying to do everything perfectly.  Then last cycle I dialed back the cray, mostly because I knew we'd miss my FW due to travel.  It was a little strange great to get a break from the 2WW despite the odd phantom symptoms I still had! 

This cycle I have taken it down another notch, anti-Emeril style.  I stopped temping, charting CM, and after (an overly long) AF I stopped entering things into FF.  I guess I feel a little guilty, like I need to justify this step back, but it has been a huge relief and I think I needed this break. 

The way I see it, every time I've charted, I ovulate (according to the signs) around the same time.  We have sex at least EOD during my FW and ~EOD the rest of the time.  But here I am, not KU.   Since I feel I know my cycle pretty well, I think it is healthier for me right now to just chill the eff out and not give myself extra work and extra fodder for over analysis.   So I'm maintaining my best "it happens when it happens" mode.  So far it has been very relaxing.  We'll see how it goes.

Recently I've been making not as many as I thought I'd have made by now a ton of cards for this craft show I'm doing in a week.   I hope it goes well!  I also canned some of my special adults only cranberry sauce and hope to entice some people to buy that too.  It's been nice having this goal to work towards.  I'd really like to open an Etsy shop for my cards.  Maybe.   
  
Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving weekend and gets some good shopping/snooze/family time in! 

Now it's on to....Christmas season...?  Aah! 

Our Brain on Tea

I saw this little article today and thought it was neat.

I happen to agree with their description of tea as "...a warm cup of therapy."

They are also doing a drive to bring hot tea to Sandy victims, and that is nice.  

~~~~~
Teamotions: Our Brain on Tea: Tea is so synonymous with feeling better it is almost like it has magical powers to sooth away whatever ails you. Unlike coffee, soda, ...

Just one stomach virus away from my goal weight...

Who doesn't love The Devil Wears Prada.  I think even guys like that movie.  Anyways, if you haven't seen it, that's where this blog title comes from.  

So this is officially a mostly self-centered whine post.  Does that mean I'm blining?  ;)  Well, it is my bline, so whateva whateva I do what I want.

I was down for the count this weekend.  Who am I kidding, I still haven't progressed past soup and my brain is definitely not all there (see above word creation).  Some crazy stomach thing knocked me on my arse.  I've had the stomach flu before but this was different and I really don't know what it was.  The sad thing is that we had a formal event this weekend to attend (ie, military ball) and I could not go.  This was me, (except I was not supposed to be wearing Valentino, but it was a nice dress): 

I tried so hard to rally but there was just no way.  Poor hubby had to go all alone.  I guess it's not a huge deal but I felt bad about that.  And hey, I was looking forward to it too actually.  Luckily he could go with some friends of ours, but it's not the same.  He wanted to just stay home and feed me saltines but it was important for him to be there and I'm glad he went.

This is trivial as well, but I'm bummed we don't have any nice pictures to send home, because the family always loves them (there's not much more handsome than my hubby in his dress uniform) and I was going to use this awesome vintage purse our dear friend who is ill gave me.   I thought it would be so cool to show her the pictures of her purse going out on the town.  I'll have to think of some other way to use it and send pictures.  First world problems, right? 

On a more positive note, now I have a nice dress ready to go for next year!  And shoes.  And purse.

Somewhat related to not keeping food down, our dear friend was put on hospice today.  She has lost a ton of weight and her scans came back much worse.  There is basically nothing else medically that can be done for her.  It's sad news.  I wish I could be there, but it's only about 4 weeks until I go back and she promised to make it at least that long.  She really has been a trooper throughout this and her doctor said she is his idol.  That's big praise coming from someone who sees cancer patients for his job.  She is one special lady.

Gettin crafty

So I sometimes like to make things....cards, jewelry, the occasional scarf (scarves are about as far as I have gone with knitting), or folk art piece.  I put a few pictures of some recent stuff at the bottom.  I don't have many pictures of what I make since I usually give them away before I think to photograph them.  I've been especially bad about this with jewelry.   

Anyways, last year there was a craft fair that I wanted to sign up for, but I vacillated on whether I'd have enough inventory for my own table until the deadline passed.     

Well, I just signed up for this year's craft fair!  Guess I better get to work... I think I'll make a bunch of Christmas cards and some jewelry.  Luckily I have a lot of Xmas themed stuff left over from last year's cards.   It would be great if I could sell food items, because I make a killer cranberry sauce!   

Maybe I can entice people to my booth with free cupcakes...?  

chocolate cupcakes with raspberry frosting

This Father's Day card said something like "Happy Father's Day to the leader of the pack!"

a birthday card

Tomorrow

Tomorrow my Mom and I are taking our friend to her doctor's appointment.  She is going to try and pin the doctor down on how much time she has left.  He previously was pretty vague with her.  Her biggest fear seems to be that she will die around Christmas, like her mother did, and ruin the holidays for her family.  

After the doctor's appointment we are taking her to go get her second chemo treatment.  She is on a low dose so that it won't be too hard on her system.  The medicine she was taking before has stopped working so this is basically a final measure to give her a little more time.  

Today I went by and brought her some ginger ale and some pudding.  She was feeling nauseous.  But instead of complaining, she said how lucky she was because some women she knew who had battled breast cancer had to do a lot of chemo and felt so sick all the time.  Her positive attitude is commendable, but it still breaks my heart to see her so frail and ill.  It seems every day I see her she looks worse.  She is just wasting away.   But her spirit is still there, and she wants to live.  I am glad that I can be here for a little while and do a few things for her to show her we love her.       

If I was totally zen, I would say that her struggles have helped me put my "problems" in perspective, but I'm not so sure that is the case right now.  Mostly I'm just sad to be losing our dear friend.  She is like a grandmother to me and we love her so much. 

The Artist

This is a great quote.   Although I wonder if this means I'm not much of an artist anymore, because I opted for a life/family. 

“Artists are some of the most driven courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day to day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, artists face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get ‘real’ jobs, and their own fear that they’ll never work again. Everyday they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their lives is a pipedream. With every passing year, many of them watch as other people their age, achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. But they stay true to their dream, in spite of the sacrifices. Why? Because artists are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience’s soul. Artists are beings who have tasted life’s nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another’s heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.”
 

— David Ackert

At the risk of whining about first world problems,  it can be tricky to reconcile goals and dreams with reality.  I don't think I ever fully committed to achieving the music career I trained for, and I'm not sure if that was because I didn't really want it at the expense of a life, or I just didn't want to fail, or I wasn't dedicated enough, or all of the above.

It is a fuzzy line to tread now that all of my training and experience is in this field.  The easy answer would be teach piano lessons, and of course I have reasons why I don't want to do that right now.  I need to recommit myself to getting involved in the music scene when I get back in town.  I really miss playing chamber music.

Sucks to your assmar

DH is going to the field next week for a week, so I took the opportunity to redeem some frequent flyer miles and visit family for two weeks.  It is great to see the fam, but this is not a very joyous trip.  

A dear family friend who is basically like my grandmother is terminal with cancer.  I saw her today for the first time since May, and she does not look well.  I can tell she is worse than the last time I was here.  It breaks my heart to see this woman who is so full of life, humor, talent, and everything good be slowly taken from this world by cancer an unstoppable rebel force.  She still does manage to maintain a sense of humor most days, so I guess that's what I should do too.  It's just a very dismal  prognosis, and although I know she is glad I am here, I can't help but feel a bit helpless about the whole situation.  At least I had enough miles between the two of us to come here rather last minute and see her while she is still moving around ok. 

I have been reading The Tao of Fertility.  I alternate between thinking it has some valid advice and slamming the cover closed on my Nook because I can't tolerate the traditional Chinese thinking anymore.  Among the advice that bugs me is not running during menstruation, or really ever.  What irritates me is not just that I think it is bunk, but that I can see the logic behind it so I sort of feel inclined to follow it.  However, I can attest that not running for the last couple weeks has been a total suckfest, and I highly doubt this suckfest is increasing my fertility.   I also usually feel immensely uncomfortable with "affirmations" and frankly, the idea of meditating right now sounds eerily similar to Pandora's Box.

On the flip side, I do resonate with some of the philosophy and I'd really like to try acupuncture - I've had so many friends who say it is so relaxing.  I also know the diet recommendations definitely make me feel better, because I have been strict that way before (no dairy, no alcohol, lots of short grain brown rice).  But getting there is just such a daunting task that I'm not even sure I want to begin.  So I try to think single step, one page at a time, and all that.  Who am I kidding, right now I am not trying to think.  But I know ultimately it is all about balance.

A massage would be nice too....

Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie...

One of my favorite French poems, Il pleure dans mon coeur, was set to music by Debussy.    

In case your high school French teacher didn't make you memorize this poem too, or you weren't required to learn the piano accompaniment in college, here's a brilliant recording of the chanson sung by Dawn Upshaw.  Heck, it's an enjoyable recording even if you did begrudgingly do those things.  Unfortunately the subtitles are in Spanish and the video is just creepy pics of Debussy...but... it's a great song! 

Basically it means (sorry, Verlaine) the sound of the rain soothes the soul.  More specifically to me, it means that when you feel dismal but nothing is truly wrong, the sound of rain soothes your pathetic self-centered case of ennuie. 


Il pleure dans mon coeur   ~ Paul Verlaine  (1844-1896)

Il pleure dans mon coeur
Comme il pleut sur la ville ;
Quelle est cette langueur
Qui pénètre mon coeur ?

Ô bruit doux de la pluie
Par terre et sur les toits !
Pour un coeur qui s'ennuie,
O le chant de la pluie !

Il pleure sans raison
Dans ce coeur qui s'écoeure.
Quoi !  nulle trahison ?...
Ce deuil est sans raison.

C'est bien le pire peine
De ne savoir pourquoi
Sans amour et sans haine
Mon coeur a tant de peine ! 



We have had so much rain the past couple days, it's been amazing.  Probably the most rain I have ever seen here.  Where we live right now, it just doesn't rain all that much.  It's too bad it happened to rain on DH while he was out sleeping in the field, though! 

I love a good thunderstorm, it's cathartic.  Everything feels a bit cleaner and fresher afterwards.  One of my piano teachers said to me once that the sky is never as beautiful and clear as it is after a rain storm.  At least in some parts of the country I have found that to be true.   

I'm starting to feel hopeful and like myself again.  Like a fog is clearing.  Unfortunately it's not doing much to help my use of cheesy metaphors. 

Now I have to go pack, and end this brief foray of regurgitating my French/vocal repertoire studies.  

Lacking zenfulness

So I think the reality of my early loss last month (4 wks 6 days...) is setting in.  Which would be nice because I've been a bit numb the last couple weeks, and I'd like to start getting on with things.  

I read that if women TTC the first cycle after a loss, they delay dealing with their grief by eating Hagen Daz channeling that energy into focusing on getting pregnant that next cycle.  Despite this warning,  I definitely could not resist hoping that the rumors of being "super fertile" after a mc would be true for me.

So I proceeded to do all sorts of somewhat obsessive and irrational TTC things including but not limited to:

• not running for two weeks
• avoiding alcohol completely (which I normally don't do, as I have tried this before with no results) 
• avoided green tea for two weeks too (you know, those possible uterine contractions it causes)
• temped (I don't always temp, it makes me very obsessive and monitoring cm works for me, especially considering how often we have sex)
• not only used opk's, but kept them taped to a sheet with labels and watched the lines fade in (yikes, I had forgotten that)
• have been googling and online in general way too much

yet I am still facing CD1 today or tomorrow (temp drop below CL, spotting, cramps) and I find myself a bit of a wreck.  

It is occurring to me now that even though this loss was so early, it was a big blow.  I really didn't feel all that bad at first.  Don't get me wrong, I was devastated and ugly cried the first day, but tried to keep it together around DH.  I went to all the appointments by myself and just tried to keep chugging.

Now I am realizing this goes a little deeper.  This was something we had been wanting for a year and a half, and something I had been planning for since last March.  We started trying in June of last year, and then had an 8 month deployment break.  Now we are going into month six of trying since DH has come back.  I thought things were finally coming to fruition and now I am really feeling like I need to be doing more with my life, like maybe it is my mentality and lack of positive outlook that is holding us back from getting pregnant. 

The thing is, the cycle we got pregnant was the cycle where I totally didn't think it would happen, and I was just starting to feel a bit more removed from the process.  I was actually starting to feel more Que sera, sera about TTGP minus at least one or two very bleak days involving lots of pinot noir.  But the reality is that this loss has made me feel as anxious all over again as when we were just starting TTC.

Since DH has come back from deployment I haven't been working.  I've looked into a few jobs, and was going to take a couple classes for fun but those fell through due to deadlines that I missed.   I've contemplated starting teaching piano again, working on a YA novel for the amazon competition, making jewelry, and a few other plans but can't get off the ground.  It doesn't help that my bootcamp instructor is out with an injured back, now that routine is out too.  So I am definitely floundering here.

Luckily I'll be going to visit family for a couple weeks, and that will be nice.  It's not for a happy reason as a good family friend is very ill, but it will be great to see my family.  

Then the next week I will be traveling with the hubby to see some of his family that is ill.  

Hopefully when I get back from all these trips I can renew and reformulate my routine and get back in the swing of things.

Yesterday, the one friend in town here who I told about my mc gave me a birthday present.  Among a few other thoughtful things, was a bookmark with this Bible verse: 

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  Isaiah 40:31

and after I read that I totally started bawling.  Glad I didn't open it in front of her!  

Anyways, I think I'll be focusing on this verse for a while, and trying to make some new intentions for my life.  Then maybe everything else will fall into place.  

Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.

The more you want it, the more you don't have it.  The answer is to stop wanting.  

Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others.
--Buddha